


The Boy Beyond the Glass

by philsgiggles



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, But like no offensive language, Fluff, Homophobia, Jock PJ, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, Truth or Dare, With a smidge of familial angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-03-19 07:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13699578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philsgiggles/pseuds/philsgiggles
Summary: Dan Howell is bored in his English class and decides to gaze out the window, when a certain Cute Boy catches his eye in a classroom across the way. His name? Who knows! His story? Who knows! All Dan knows is that the mystery boy is *cute* and that Dan blushes when he looks at him.





	1. "Hey, Who's That Out the Window?" And Other Questions.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y’all! I’m so excited to post this, as it’s my first ever fanfic (yay!). Quick note: I’m American and I’m not even gonna try to be British so... *shrug* The rating's pretty much just for cursing. My Tumblr's @moonroomsnuggles. We have a good time over there. Anyway, enjoy, my sweets!

     Daniel James Howell rests his chin on his hand, vaguely aware of Mrs. Lipner droning on in the background, a steady white noise. He used to care, and he should now, but with her soft voice constantly murmuring about a chapter he hadn’t even read, it proves remarkably easy to slip into a trance, gazing out the ready window to his left. He lets his gaze soften, looking out aimlessly when all of a sudden, it snags upon a beautiful boy, just a few feet away across the small, wimpy patch of dirt grass his school claims is a garden. The boy has jet black hair swooped across his head in a vaguely early 2000’s emo style, much like Dan’s own a few years back, but what really draws Dan’s attention is his bright yellow Adventure Time sweatshirt that pops in the classroom full of dark greens and blues. Dan scours his brain for anything––a name, a grade–– certain he would’ve remembered seeing him somewhere. Because, Jesus on a fricking boat, this boy is hot.  
     Dan stares at the boy for a few more seconds before jolting out of his trance and quickly averting his eyes. But he is too late. Something had drawn the black haired boy’s attention out the window and his crystal eyes slam into Dan’s, who blushes furiously and turns to the front.  
_Those eyes._  
His mind whirrs. He tries to pay attention to the lesson, he really does, but really––how is it necessary to discuss the significance of a hat for an hour? Dan’s eyes unwillingly slide to his left, slowly and surely, and right when they finally land on the beautiful black haired boy, stealing one last lingering look, the bell rings, and Dan leaps up out of his chair in surprise, leading to some twittering from his classmates. Face turning pink once more, Dan sinks back into his chair to pack his backpack.  
     Dan shoulders out into the hall, barely even noticing the hordes of students he pushes past. Who was Cute Boy? And who the hell gave him the right to be walking around looking like that? Daydreams cloud his vision until he slams straight into someone walking toward him, knocking him back on his ass, skidding down the corridor.  
     “Whoa, shit, dude! You good?” A voice comes from above where Dan is scrambling to his feet, fighting with his long limbs, eyes firmly on the floor. He slowly lifts his head to see just another stereotypical jock wearing his stereotypical letterman jacket and a stereotypical smirk in front of him, practically radiating power, even as his face contorts with what seems to be… worry? He darts his head down once more.  
     “Yeah, yeah, all good,” Dan mumbles, face fuschia again, mentally rebuking his pale complexion.  
_Seriously, should I invest in a goddamn ski mask so people can’t tell when I blush every five seconds?_  
He tries to continue down the hall to escape the scene of the crime, but is stopped by a mitt of a hand on his shoulder. Stopping abruptly and spinning to face his assailant, he sees the jock once more. Dan is about to shrink and deflect the damage from the hit he is sure is about to come when he notices the other boy’s hand is twirling Dan’s pencil. Breathing a sigh of relief, he accepts the pencil and shuffles away, stopping when the jock calls after him, “I’m Pj!”  
   Not turning around out of fear of tripping, as it was just his luck that day, Dan calls back, “Dan!”

     Luckily, his next class is art, which, though Dan’s artistic talent is questionable at best, is an easy A and a welcome reprieve from the mindless busywork his other teachers assign.  
     Dan melts into his chair at the back of the studio just as the bell rings and Mr. Daws begins the lesson on self portraits, still a bit shaken by his odd encounter with “Pj”.  
     “Cutting it a bit close, huh, Dan?” Louise whispers to him, and he glances over and mouths, “Tell you later?”. Dan stands once more and moves to the supply cabinet on the other side of the room, sidestepping overflowing backpacks and unfurled papers. He finally reaches the wooden cabinets and follows the crowd in collecting a small piece of paper as well as a tray of watercolors.  
  _I suppose going back to the basics never hurt anyone._  
     Dan meanders back to his stool and watches as the group sharing the large table with Louise and him begin to gossip about some poor sap named Martyn.  
_Oof, wonder who this guy is._  
     Apparently he just transferred to the school from out of town due to his parents’ messy divorce. The teenagers begin speculating on why, and Dan leans forward a minuscule amount, straining to eavesdrop, when Louise slaps him arm with a warning look on her face. She knows all too well his habit of listening to the conversations of those around him to use as fodder in Dan’s Rants About the Shitty People at his School™. With a begrudging sigh, Dan tunes them out and picks up the brush.

     Dan tilts his head to the side and inspects his work. He had spent the better part of an hour trying to get this right, but it still ended up looking like an eight-year-old’s, rather than a piece of a high school junior’s final project.  
     “You think stick figures would’ve worked better?” he whispers to Louise, his words jarring in the silence. She double-takes at his work and starts to giggle, loud. Dan shrinks down in his seat and whips his head around furiously, scanning the room to see if anyone in the dead silent studio has noticed it, when she takes a breath and begins to cackle at the top of her lungs. Thoroughly mortified, Dan moves to slap her arm in an effort to end this absolute torture, but somehow manages to knock the water bucket over, which, of course, spills all over the entire table, completely soaking their pieces.  
     “Shit!” Dan yelps, and moves to stop the rushing water from ruining anyone else’s work, but sadly his and Louise’s, along with two of the basic teenagers they’re sat with, are completely drenched. Dan looks up through the commotion and sees Mr. Edwards glaring at him with a look of such pure rage a charging bull would stop dead in its tracks. Dan closes his eyes for a moment to gain strength and continues his futile effort to stop the water.

     Shoulders slumped and twenty minutes late for lunch, Dan trudges into the cafeteria and heads to his normal table by the other set of doors, only to pull up short when he sees something that makes his blood run cold. There, in his spot, across from Louise, Dan sees the back of a letterman’s jacket. Figuring the day of reckoning has come at last, he puffs his chest and strides to his table, plopping down next to Louise warily.  
     “Hey, Dan, this is Pj! I told him he could sit with us today.”  
_Oh, that guy! Okay, never mind. Crisis averted._  
     “Oh, yeah, we met earlier in the hall. What’s up, man?” Pj smiles wide and seems almost unthreatening, and Dan lets his guards down for a minute.  
     “Ugh, fucking Edwards kept me after class for twenty minutes because I spilled a little water. Water!” Dan huffs.  
     “To be fair, you did ruin an entire table’s paintings and delayed all of our final projects, so I think twenty minutes is pretty nice of the guy!” Louise retorts lovingly.  
     “Don’t you start with me, missy! It was your obnoxious screeching that had me reaching to hit you and knocking the jug over in the first place!”  
     “Oh, was I not supposed to laugh at that horrible excuse of a painting? I mean, come on, what was that even supposed to be? ‘Cause if it was supposed to be a bunch of amorphous blobs, you should’ve gotten an A!”  
     “At least I was actually doing the assignment instead of painting myself with fucking anime eyes!”  
     “At least I can put a little effort into my work without my entire world imploding!”  
     Louise and Dan stare at each other for a moment before, all at once, they both begin howling in laughter, even harder so when they take a good look at Pj’s face, who has been watching the entire time, bewildered and a smidge frightened.  
    “Anyway, Pj, why aren’t you with your sport… ball… friends?” Dan inquires.  
     “Eh, I don’t know. They’re all so basic! All they talk about are football, girls, and parties. I just got tired of it all, especially since I don’t particularly care about two of the three,” Pj shrugs, smirking.  
     “Well, I’m sure you’ll find our humble table to be everything your gay little heart desires!” As soon as Louise has finished her statement, grinning from ear to ear, the bell rings and the three rush to throw away their excess food and go to the next class.

     The rest of the school day zooms by in a whir of pencils scratching and eyes drooping, until, at last, the final bell rings. Dan scurries out the front doors as his shoulders immediately let out a tension he hadn’t realized he was carrying, and walks to his car.  
     He starts the engine and turns the radio knob through channel after channel of pop shit before giving up and plugging in an aux cord to connect his phone. He lets out a small laugh at the first song that plays, Muse, of course. After all of these years, earrings disappearing and fringe curling, Dan is still a closeted emo music lover.  
     Dan makes the drive back to his house, and opens the front door to a silent house. He sends a quick prayer that he can convince his parents to get a dog and trudges downstairs to drop of his bag. He returns upstairs to the kitchen and goes about the motions to make himself a bag of popcorn. While it’s popping, he takes the time to browse tumblr, leaning against the kitchen counter. Once the popcorn is finished, not completely popped, just like he likes it (to eat the kernels, of course!), Dan descends to the basement again and turns his new Wii system on, queuing up Mario Kart 8.  
     Dan sinks into the sofa crease and a haze settles over him for the next four hours, until he realizes he should probably make himself some dinner. Making the journey to the kitchen, he checks the time, belatedly realizing that it’s already 7:45, he has a test tomorrow, and he has done exactly no homework.  
_Whatever, it’s not like I actually have to do it anyway. I’m gonna fail the test no matter what. Ooh, I should make a grilled cheese!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hope you liked the first installation! I’ll try to post every Thursday (maybe lol who even knows). Kudos and comments and stuff are fun so join in on the party! :) Love to all of you cuties.


	2. Ugh, Detention! Well This Should Be Horrible! Oh, Wait...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not doing homework lands Dan in a hot spot, but maybe detention won't be as bad as he thinks... :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back for another part! Stay tuned every Thursday! Have fun my sweeties.

            “And Daniel Howell, where is _your_ homework? That’s the third time this week and it is _Thursday_! I expect to see you in detention today and tomorrow. Now, for those of you who _have_ done your homework, I look forward to seeing your interpretation of the––”  
_Yawn. What, does she get_ paid _to make the class as boring as possible?_  
            Dan resigns himself to another period of gazing out the window. Hopefully Cute Boy will be back so Dan can wax poetic about those gorgeous eyes again. He skims his eyes across the drooping blades of grass and wilting flowers into the window across the way, his heart skipping a beat when he realizes the mystery boy is back, and this time… with glasses.  
            Dan’s mouth drops to the floor as he stares at the blue eyed god in the next room, and as much as his brain realizes how strange it is, his eyes won’t move from their target.  
_Oh, fuck me._  
            Dan longingly looks across the small garden until, out of nowhere, the boy turns his head and shoots a small wink in Dan’s direction, accompanied by a smirk that makes Dan’s toes curl.  
_Oh_ , fuck _me!_  
            Dan once again hurriedly snaps his eyes forward, pretending to be taking in a single word Mrs. Lipner is preaching, but really the only thing going through his head is:  
_He winked at me. He_ winked _at me. He winked at_ me? _He winked. At me. He winked. Jesus Christ, he fucking_ winked _?_  
  
            This time, Dan doesn’t notice the bell ringing at all.

            Dan skips into the art studio with a smile fighting its way onto his face.  
            “You’re awfully chipper this morning! What’s up?” Louise questions.  
            “Nothing’s up!” Dan responds hastily, avoiding the blonde’s eyes, “I guess I’m just having a good day.”  
            “Mmhmm, sure Dan… ” Louise murmurs, turning back to her own paper, carefully redoing her work from the previous day. And if she perhaps tones down the “anime eyes” just a touch, then who’s to say she’s wrong?  
            Dan ponders his lie of omission about his wink-buddy. There’s something about the boy, something special, that makes Dan feel like revealing him would be a crime. Like it would cheapen the butterflies that seem to have taken up residence in Dan’s stomach. Shifting his focus back to art, Dan dips his brush into the water and swirls it around, still in his own world and trying his best not to smile like an idiot.  
            Lines flow out of his hand, twisting around the page smoothly, and Dan’s confidence picks up as he adds a second color, and then a third, and then a fourth. When he’s finished, after only about half an hour, he looks proudly down at his hard work to see, frankly, a real piece of shit. But it’s better than his earlier attempt, better by far, and Dan can’t help the smile that finally and triumphantly takes over his face.

            And then comes detention. It’s after the school day and Dan is standing outside the converted social studies classroom, steeling his nerves. Although he had never been a stellar student, just coasting by and hoping for the best, this is Dan’s first time in detention.  
            _Whatever, it’s not like I have to do anything. Just keep my head down and shut my mouth._  
            Dan lets out a sharp breath and heads through the door, noting the other people in the room. Of course, there are the ever-present burnouts in a huddle in the corner of the room across from the door with lazy smiles on their faces. It’s not difficult to figure out what they’re in detention for. Two boys and a girl are sitting off to the side, with enough piercings for a group twice their size, invested in a hushed conversation, and someone is at the pencil sharpener across the room, their back to Dan, though Dan swears he recognizes the dark hair and graphic tee. The infamously strict Dr. Winona is at her desk at the front of the room, evidently grading some papers. When she notices Dan, after a good minute or so of shifting uncomfortably, she waves him in and marks his name on a piece of paper.  
            He ambles over to an apparently empty desk, one desk separating him from where whoever was sharpening their pencil has apparently set up shop. Dan is investigating the brightly colored backpack overflowing with papers stuffed in haphazardly out of the corner of his eye when he is startled by the backpack’s owner approaching. Dan hazards a glance, only to feel all emotion slide off his face and his heart stop.  
            _Holy shit. He’s even better up close._  
            Dan’s mouth opens and closes like a fish as the other high schooler comes near, and he quickly stammers _something_ and forces his head down with an excessive amount of effort, swaying a bit. He nervously chews on the inside of his cheek as he ponders the situation.  
            _Just my luck. Okay, how should I do this? Should I just introduce myself? But no, Dr. Winona’s right there and I don’t want another detention. Okay, so no talking. Maybe I should try to catch his attention somehow?_  
Dan slyly tilts his head at an angle to study the boy at his side, who seems to be lost in his book, the exact same one Dan himself is supposed to be reading for English.  
            _So I guess he’s a junior, too. Ugh, but Dan he’d never be interested in you, I mean just look at him! Well, but I guess it never hurts to try. But what should I do?_  
            Dan’s musings are interrupted by a piece of paper being slid onto the desk between the boys.  
            _Well, I guess my decision’s made for me, then._  
            He glances to his right and sends a quick questioning look at the other boy, but he’s staring down at his book innocently. Dan sends a quick look around to make sure no one, especially Dr. Winona, has noticed it, before shooting an arm out to grab the note.  
            **Truth or dare?**  
            _What? Well, okay!_  
            Dan fishes a pencil out of his bag, and, sending another furious look around, scribbles his messy answer on the scrap of paper ( What are we, twelve? Dare (: ), and places it back on the desk directly to his right. Figuring he should probably make it at least seem like he is doing some work, he retrieves a math worksheet from his backpack and pretends like he’s focusing. When really, his mind is alight with thoughts of Cute Boy seated just a few desks down.  
           After a short while, Dan sees Cute Boy write something on the paper before placing it on the middle desk.  
            **Brave, are we? Hmm, let’s start out easy… I dare you to stick that pen in the pencil sharpener and run away.**  
            Dan attempts it, resulting in a horrible noise and burning smell, and whines at Dr. Winona for a good ten minutes when she tells him off.  
            Cute Boy tells Dan that his most embarrassing moment was when a video of him awkwardly dancing was played at a school assembly instead of the promotional video for Plant Club he had intended.  
            Dan, in turn, tells Cute Boy that his most embarrassing moment was when he got a poorly-timed hard-on in the middle of health class presentation about safe sex.  
            Cute Boy tells the intimidating, pierced girl at the back of the room that he likes her snakebites and says an absolutely atrocious pun about her being a Slytherin (which goes completely over her head, the girl never having read or seen _Harry Potter_ ).  
            Dan tells the enraptured group of stoners that the aliens have finally landed, and get this, they are _right outside_ (this is perhaps a step too far, as it leads to chaos that neither boy predicts).  
            Dan tells Cute Boy why he’s in detention and Cute Boy tells him that he has one for tomorrow, too.  
            Both boys note the sheen of sweat on Dr. Winona’s brow after chasing down the scattering stoners looking for Martians with a guilty look.  
            Cute Boy tells Dan that his guilty pleasure band is Muse (which of course leads to a long discussion, one that both boys swear to return to next time, making Dan’s insides jumbled at the thought of a nest time).  
            Dan tells Cute Boy that his favorite color is black (like his soul, of course).  
            Cute Boy tells Dan that his favorite animal is a lion (“Just like my favorite stuffed animal as a kid!”)  
            Cute Boy tells Dan that his favorite stuffed animal lion as a kid is named Lion.  
            Dan tells Cute Boy that his MessageMe username is “danisnotonfire”.  
            Cute Boy tells Dan that his MessageMe username is “AmazingLion”.

            And then, after what seems like just a few minutes, detention is ending and the high schoolers are released. Dr. Winona collapses into her arms, and the other students sigh in relief and pack up quickly to leave the stale classroom, but Dan and his boy pack their bags reluctantly and trudge slowly to the door. Never in the history of detention have two boys been so devastated to leave.

            And when Dan comes home to an empty house and an overgrown pile of mail, he can’t even bring himself to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the second installment in my very first fanfic! (*cheering*) Please leave kudos and comment my loves it makes me happier than a Phil in a greenhouse! See y’all next Thursday!


	3. Danny Boi Smiles!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day at school... :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, something to note if you've been reading as I update it: I'm no longer using Chris as the jock-type and I've substituted Pj. I changed the direction this was going in so get ready! Enjoy, my sweets...

     “You’re still alive!” Dan blinks, hard, as Louise seems to suddenly appear in front of him before school the next day, a large smile on her face.  
     “Oh, yeah. Y’know, detention ended up not being so bad…” Dan turns his head to the side, trying to hide his rampant blush, but Louise emits a loud squeal and pulls him down on a nearby chair, demanding answers.  
     “No, no, nothing happened! It was fricking detention for Chrissakes! Louise! Louise just drop it!” Dan pleads, sighing exasperatedly, and, albeit a bit reluctantly and with a hard look at Dan, Louise changes the subject. Dan breathes out harshly and listens to her story about the random kid in her math class the day before who spilled hot coffee all over the poor teacher, who left school after fifth period, and who still hasn’t been seen coming into school yet, even though first period starts in just four minutes, and how maybe he’s in the hospital for burns or maybe he quit and is now suing the school or the kid (could he sue the kid?) or maybe he was fired because the kid spilled the coffee because she was scared of the teacher because she was getting yelled at for talking in class and, okay, fine, Dan totally just caught her and that kid was actually Louise, but it really definitely wasn’t her fault at all because—  
     The bell chimes loudly, effectively stopping Louise dead in her tracks.  
     Thank God.  
     Dan swings his bag onto one shoulder and heads to his Earth Sciences classroom, getting ready for the long day ahead of him.

Dan jumps up as soon as the bell rings in his second period of the day, World History, and sprints out the door, making a beeline to his English class. He stands impatiently in the hall as the previous class files out, tapping his fingers on his thigh, and as soon as there’s no risk for collision, he strides into the classroom, claiming his desk by the window.  
     He keeps his head straight ahead, monitoring the events out the window in his periphery. He almost jumps for joy when he recognizes the familiar swoop of hair making its way through the throng in the other room, almost as fast as Dan himself. After a few glances to the left, catching Cute Boy’s eye just once, Mrs. Lipner tells the class to open their laptops and follow along with the PowerPoint at the front on their own computers. Dan does so, if only to play a game or something while he waits out the class, and after a few minutes, a notification pops up on his screen:  
      **NEW MESSAGE FROM AMAZINGLION**  
     Dan sends a look at Cute Boy, who’s looking right at him. Cute Boy gestures at Dan’s screen, and Dan grins and clicks on the notification.  
      **Hey!**  
     Dan lets out a small laugh and types back,  
      Hey!  
     The next notification comes quickly.  
      **What’s Lipner going on about now?**  
      Just the same nonsense about the carousel and the hat or whatever  
      **Lol i feel for u. We just have another work period over here.**  
      Hey, at least it’s not Mr. Bolansky and his endless stories lol  
      **Very true! i can’t tell u how glad i was to be rid of that class this year!**  
      Ugh im so jealous i have him again for on level math after lunch. How can u be so smart?  
      **Lol idk i guess some just have it! ;)**  
      Cheeky bastard :)  
      **Lol guilty as charged :)**  
     Ooh, did you hear about that one time he spent the entire class telling us that dogs get dumber every year––with pictures of wolves, too!  
      I swear he’s the one who gets dumber every year xD  
      **Has he done that thing with you where you have to write a haiku about every problem you get wrong?**  
      Ugh yes lol. One of mine was “Mr. B, why though?/I don’t know what to do, man/And don't give a crap”  
      **True masterpiece!**  
      I know im considering becoming a poet...

Dan chats with Cute Boy for the entire class period, blushing and sending looks back and forth. It’s only when he’s dreamily making his way down the hall to math that he even realizes that he didn’t even get Cute Boy’s name.  
     Whatever! I have detention again with him tonight, I’ll just ask him there!  
     When Louise sees the spring in Dan’s step as he heads into the art studio, she says nothing, simply sending a knowing look and focusing down at her painting, for which Dan is grateful. The period passes quickly, and Dan finishes the self-portrait and starts the next step of his midterm project, a still life using charcoal. He’s drawing a pair of vintage sunglasses leaning against a clock, a bit pretentious, but nice nonetheless. Dan finds himself becoming invested in the art, focusing in on the page, and a strange feeling rears up in his stomach, but just when he’s moving on from a basic outline and shading, the bell rings, shaking him from his art-induced haze. Dan tosses his head back and forth, shedding the new feeling with a dazed look on his face, and goes about the motions to pack up and wade back into the hallway, through the crowd, to the cafeteria. Louise trails after him, her blonde head a pinprick of light following him through the masses of sweaty children, whom Dan doesn’t even mind today.  
     “Danny boy!” Dan cringes as Pj greets him, “What’s up?”  
     “Not much. Art was surprisingly not horrible!”  
     “Hey, man, that’s great! You wanna take my spot in my art class?” Chris pleads. Dan just laughs and shakes his head, folding himself into a seat, Louise following close behind, “Nah, man, you’ve got Emmanuel in yours, and I’m sure as hell not gonna subject myself to more of that this year!”  
     “Lucky bastard,” Louise murmurs, joining in on the conversation. The previous two years, Emmanuel had practically stalked Louise, trying to be her friend. Louise had tolerated it, barely, as she felt bad for the poor girl, but when she found the pictures Emmanuel had of her on her nightstand, she bailed. The peppy girl was left to herself and her stuffed animals, and finally ceased her obsession.  
     “I swear, Chris, it was something out of a horror movie!” Louise’s eyes bug out of her head and she waves her arms around to emphasize her point, “I thought I was gonna have to call the police!”  
     “Alright, Louise, if you say so,” Chris smirks, enjoying the display. Louise hmphs and sinks back down into her chair, taking an enormous bite of her sandwich that leaves her cheeks blown out to the sides.  
     “So what about you, Chris. Classes bearable?” Dan butts in.  
     “Good enough, I suppose. Though it’s getting boring––there’s no one here cute enough to actually date. No offense, Dan,” Chris throws an easy smile Dan’s way.  
     “None taken…” Dan mumbles and thinks about Cute Boy giddily.  
     That’s what he thinks!  
     “You see?” Dan looks up to see Louise pointing at his face, and immediately guiltily shoves a bite of food in his mouth.  
     “What?” He asks through a mouthful of sandwich.  
     “He just says, ‘what’? No, Dan. I want to know what’s going on! You’re all blushing and smiley and it’s unnerving!” Louise pouts.  
     “Geez, Louise! Maybe I’ve just been having a good few days! Can’t a guy just be happy?” Dan bites defensively.  
     “Not if his name is Dan Howell! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re feeling better, I’ve just never seen you this way,” Louise starts firmly, “And I just… I––I don’t know, Dan. I’d like to think that we can tell each other anything.” Dan can hardly make out the last few words and has to lean in just to understand. Louise turns her face to the side, trying to hide the feelings broadcasted on her face.  
     “Louise, of course we can! I promise you that I’m not hiding anything, I’m really just having a good week. Don’t worry, okay?” Dan turns Louise around so that he can look right into Louise’s eyes as he reassures her. Then, as lunch periods have a tendency to do, the lunch period ends. Dan crams a little more food into his mouth and, fumbling with his wrappers and napkins, makes his way to the next period. 

Detention passes even more quickly this time around. The boys chat and laugh together, and there are no awkward silences. Short silences, sure, but they could never be described as “awkward”. And strangely, Dan swears he sees Cute Boy’s eyes linger on his backside for a little too much time when he gets up to go to the bathroom at the beginning of the detention. But no. No that can’t have just happened. Because that would be too amazing.  
     But from then on, whenever Dan has to get up from his desk for any reason, he makes sure to wiggle his hips maybe just a touch more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make me happier than a Dab kissing Evan's hand! <3


	4. Glossed Over Angst and Cutie's Name!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of plot points shoved into just over my minimum word count for each chapter. Mama home and angst begins, more chatting, name, and angst ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little angsty cause Dan's mama is a bitch in this (not irl at all I just needed a little angst in my life rn). Enjoy, my sweeties!

            

Dan sashays his way home, throwing grins at everyone he passes like the complete dork he is. His mind is roving, flitting from topic to topic but always centered around one thing: Cute Boy. Cute Boy and his cute eyes and his cute hair and his cute shirts and his cute glasses take over Dan’s head, clouding his brain. Dan is quickly growing closer to him, and he finds that Cute Boy and him connect more than he and Peej, even more than he and Louise! Dan feels guilty for a second, thinking back to her broken voice earlier, but pushes it forcefully out of his mind. There’s only room enough for a certain black-haired boy in there right now.  
            Dan slowly makes his way home, enjoying the day. Fall is just setting in, but the little bite in the air only serves to make Dan appreciate the warmth of the sun shining on him. Dan’s pessimistic brain fights with such an obnoxiously optimistic statement, but in the end, he resigns to the happiness.  
            He hops up the stone steps to his house, regretfully leaving the outside world behind, and fishes out his keys from the front pocket of his backpack. He puts them into the lock, but when he goes to turn them, he stops his action and tries the knob curiously. It gives and Dan looks at it questioningly, like maybe the doorknob can answer his unspoken question.  
             _Huh, maybe I forgot to lock up this morning?_  
            Brushing it off, he strides into the kitchen, humming a little as he picks out his bag of popcorn for the day. He’s just ripping off the wrapper when he hears someone clear their throat loudly in the living room.  
            He whirls around, instinctively raising the popcorn in front of him as a weapon and letting out a short, “Aah—huh?” Dan looks at the person quizzically, “Mom? What are you doing h—”  
            “Daniel,” Dan’s mother glances at a small silver watch on her right wrist and cuts him off in an icy voice coupled with a single raised eyebrow, “Where have you been? School ended hours ago.”  
            “I… had something,” Dan fumbles with the words as they leave and he continues making his popcorn, ignoring the posh woman in the next room judging his actions.  
            “I see. Well, Daniel, I’m very disappointed in you. You are seventeen years old and you can’t be bothered to take the slightest care of yourself. I mean, _really_ , Daniel. I expected more from you. And put away that popcorn, you certainly don’t need it.” Dan’s mother stands up and brushes her hands down her legs, beginning to leave the room with her heels _clickety_ clacking away.  
            “Sixteen,” Dan whimpers after her, then, gaining strength, repeating it louder, “Sixteen.”  
            Dan’s mother turns around and replies, “What?”  
            “I’m _sixteen_. Not seventeen,” Dan’s eyes fill with angry tears.  
            “I’m sorry, dear, I must have misspoken.” She sweeps her blonde hair to the side and continues on her way without a backwards glance to the son she leaves behind, still seething in the kitchen.  
“Sure, mom, and you misspoke when you said you’d sign the permission form to let me go on that field trip. And you _misspoke_ when you said you’d be here to take me to my sophomore graduation. And you _misspoke_ ––you fucking _misspoke_ when you said you’d return from Italy after two weeks. Then four. And now you’re back after, what, a month and a half? And where even is Dad? And you expect me to listen to a word you say? You think you have the _right_ to even try to control my life?” Spittle flies from Dan’s lips, the wetness matching the wells forming in his eyes. Dan turns away from his mother’s tensed shoulders, abandons his long-forgotten popcorn, and bursts out of the house.  
             _Why do I even care what she thinks?_ He blinks rapidly and a treacherous little voice at the back of his mind whispers, “Because she’s your mother.”  
            Dan runs as fast as he can, houses blurring past. He would have gotten lost had the path not been ingrained in his mind from years of going back and forth from the two houses. He runs and runs as his breathing grows harder, until he arrives at the familiar front door.  
            He knocks frantically until an annoyed Louise comes to the door with an apple in her hand. She takes note of his face and her face softens, and Dan’s unsteady heart breaks just a little bit more. Without a word, she opens her arms and Dan goes in for a hug, her light perfume enveloping and calming him. He sighs.

            

Yeah, i guess their expectations are just a little too high, but they’re not bad people. They’re pretty supportive of my being gay and all, so they can’t be total assholes, right?  
            Dan chews on the inside of his cheek as he presses send on his message to Cute Boy. It can’t hurt to tell him his sexuality, right? Just in case…  
             **But they made you hurt, dan. Maybe you should just talk to them!**  
             It’s not that easy, ok?  
             **I know, but trust me, you’ll feel better when you do.**  
             **It helped me.**  
             What do u mean?  
            Dan immediately feels guilty for prying and quickly sends another few messages to try to undo the damage he’s sure he caused.  
            i mean, u don’t have to tell me  
            sorry  
             **No no it’s ok**  
            Dan sees **AMAZINGLION IS TYPING** pop up on his screen after a few seconds and sighs a breath of relief. Seeing that it doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon, Dan tries to focus back on his English lesson, but he just doesn’t get the material. He hasn’t even read the book they’re discussing! After a few minutes, he sees the notification he’s waiting for come up: **NEW MESSAGE FROM AMAZINGLION** , and switches over to the chat.  
             **My brother and I moved here with our mom when our parents got divorced. We lived some ways away and everyone there was pretty closed-minded. Including my dad. i spoke with him and he wasn’t happy. So my parents ended up splitting up, it was pretty messy. We moved here before the ink was dry on the divorce papers.**  
            Dan hurries to respond but there are so many thoughts running through his head that he can't make heads nor tails of any of it.  
             Wait, so you’re saying talking to them caused their divorce? Real great pep talk there m8.  
             **No im saying that talking to them helped bring the crappy issues to the surface so that we could deal with them. In my parents' case dealing with them meant splitting up and keeping dad away from martyn and me. And my mom and i are pretty close so it wasn’t that bad**  
             Wow. Thank you thats pretty helpful actually.  
            Sorry about your dad.  
             **It’s ok.**  
             **He’s not in our lives anymore and im ok. Thank you, Dan.**  
            Dan looks at Cute Boy through the window and sends a sad smile, unsure of how else to communicate his feelings. Cute Boy smiles back and Dan can feel emotions bubbling up.  
             _Jesus Christ, I’m falling for him and I don’t even know his name!_  
            Dan begins to type quickly.  
             Hey, by the way, whats ur name?  
            Dan sees Cute Boy smile a little wider at him and move to type, but all of a sudden, a loud noise shocks the boys. Dan clamps his hands over his ears and tries to ignore the ringing. Dan’s classroom erupts into motion and all of the other students start talking to each other, yelling to be heard over the noise.  
             _Of course, someone just had to pull the fire alarm right now!_  
            Dan goes with the others to line up at the classroom door and regretfully leaves his laptop behind. He sees his Cute Boy frantically do the same and Dan gives himself a moment to hang his head.  
             _Of. Fucking. Course._

            

The mystery of Cute Boy’s name haunts Dan all the way home from school that Monday. His weekend had been spent about the same way, with a little Tumblr, Fortnight, and sleeping thrown in the mix.  
             _Tom? No, doesn’t seem like the type. Maybe Connor? Eh, not quite. Joe? Chris? He can’t be Martyn, that’s his brother’s name. So, what is it?_  
            Dan passes by his parents sitting at the kitchen counter quickly, trying desperately to ignore them.  
             _No, Dan, just think about Cute Boy! Sean? Jack? Mark? No… Hmm… I don’t know! But hey, ya fucking know what? I don’t care what his name is. I really only need to just take the good advice._  
            Dan turns around and walks back to his parents.  
            “We need to talk.”

            

 **Phil**  
            Dan smiles as he pulls up the message that night in his room after dinner. He never would have guessed it, but Phil really fits the bubbly Cute Boy. His parents, both of them, are still in the house and Dan is incredibly grateful that he decided to follow Cute Boy––no, _Phil’s_ ––advice and talked to them.  
            That suits u. Phil  
             **:)**  
            Hey, did u do it?  
             Yeah actually and it went surprisingly well!  
             **??**  
             Yeah I talked to them about it all and they said they’re gonna try to be home more often. Who knows if they’ll keep to that but we just had dinner together??  
             **Well everyone knows that the cure for any relationship is food!**  
             Lol that’s very accurate.  
            A pause during which Dan can hear his heart pounding in his chest and then:  
            Hey, on that topic, u want to maybe grab coffee before school tomorrow?  
            Dan quickly clicks out of the messenger and mentally kicks himself.  
             _Smooth, Dan. Real smooth._ God!  
            Dan throws his computer onto his bed harshly and stands up, aiming to go somewhere, do something, to get his mind off of Phil. He’s already itching to open his laptop again, but instead he runs away to immerse himself in video games.

            

Hours pass, and Dan is trying desperately to forget about his question to Phil, but he can’t help himself. His thoughts keep straying to the laptop still closed on his bed, wrapped up in his duvet. After coming in twelfth place for the third time in a row, Dan yells in frustration and clicks out of Mario Kart, running upstairs like a madman.  
            He finally lets himself hope now that maybe, just maybe, Phil said yes. Or maybe he wants to be his friend and he won’t judge Dan for trying to ask him out. Maybe he didn’t even realize that Dan was asking him out. Maybe he said yes.  
            Dan runs upstairs and flings open his laptop, opening his browser. His heart begins to flutter as it loads, but then––  
             **NO NEW MESSAGES**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/comments make me happier than a Dan confusing the hell out of the phandom............ too soon? Probably.


	5. He Didn't Respond? He Didn't Respond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan didn't get a response...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: somewhat excessive cursing for a bit. Nothing really bad, but I felt like I should say something. Hit me up on Tumblr and enjoy, my sweets!

Dan miserably sulks in his plastic seat by the smudged window and doesn’t even think about looking through it. He doesn’t let himself. His heart trudges along at a slow, thudding beat but Dan doesn’t feel it. His chest seems hollow but filled with some suffocating stuffing at the same time. He can’t make heads nor tails of it. And that really fucking pisses him off.  
            _Jesus fucking Christ, my life’s turned into some cliche unrequited love story._  
           He doesn’t even open his laptop when the teacher tells them to, _completely_ fucking unable to stomach the thought of seeing **NO NEW MESSAGES** again. The bitter anger flares inside of him even as he thinks about it. So instead, he just sits. And stares straight ahead. And doesn’t look. He can’t look. He can’t do just about anything at the moment except let his whirring brain be and sort itself out. Thankfully, Mrs. Lipner doesn’t seem to care enough to call him out on it and leaves him be.  
           The class period continues without Dan. Dan has no earthly _idea_ how much time goes by and truthfully, he doesn’t give a purple flying fuck. Until, as the class discusses the same fucking book they have been discussing for the entire fucking semester, Dan’s _fucking_ head starts to turn to his left of its own accord.  
            _Am I just fucking masochistic or something? Jesus, Dan, get a grip._  
           But still his eyes land on the edge of that goddamn window that started all of this just a few days before, and Dan realizes that, more than anything, he just wants to see Phil again. No matter how much pain Phil’s apparent rejection is causing him. So with this somewhat frightening newfound realization, he hardens his gaze. He takes a steadying breath. And he looks through the stained, dirty glass.  
           Dan’s eyes widen and he cranes his neck to peer further into the stagnant classroom he has spent so much time investigating.  
            _Fuck._

“He wasn’t there.” Dan says numbly as he drops his food onto the cold lunch table next to his friends, who have already arrived.  
           “Who wasn’t…? Oh, Dan, is this why you were so quiet in art?” Louise asks softly as she strokes his back in small circles comfortingly. His shirt bunches around her hand, but the familiarity it provides makes up for the wrinkling it causes.  
           “Yeah,” Dan nods slowly, with his eyes trained down at the shiny gray table, “I—this guy. He just wasn’t at school today, not that I saw.”  
           “What guy, Dan?” Pj inquires, a knowingly pitying look on his face.  
           “Just… this guy. He has class in the room across the garden from Mrs. Lipner’s room when I have English. We’ve been chatting online and we had detention together,” Dan takes a steadying breath, “And I really like him. He’s adorable and nerdy and nice and so cute and… Anyway, I just _really_ like him. I know it’s stupid, but it kinda feels like we were––I don’t know––meant to be or something. _God_ , guess I really fucked that up, then.”  
           He lets out a sad, huffing laugh and shoves a random chunk of steaming food into his mouth to give his crazy thoughts time to sort themselves out.  
            _Oh, shit. Bad idea. Abort! Abort!_  
           Dan quickly spits the food into a nearby napkin. Cafeteria food.  
           “So I sort of asked him out. Last night, that is, online. And he still hasn’t responded yet. And today he wasn’t there at English. Before, we’d talk during third every day. And really, I just feel like shit, okay? I just hope we’re okay.”  
           “Oh, Dan, honey!” Louise looks at the brunet sadly and pulls him into her side in a little hug. He leans into her and doesn’t move away until a few seconds later.  
           “Maybe he had a doctor’s appointment or something?” Pj offers, smiling at Dan, “Or _maybe_ he got abducted by aliens!” He flashes Dan a crazy look and wiggles his fingers.  
           Dan allows himself a small smile and looks down at his food, “Yeah. Maybe. Or maybe he just doesn’t like me the way I like him, and he just doesn’t know how to turn me down. Or maybe he’s disgusted with the whole situation and doesn’t even want to be in the same building as me. Or––or maybe he thinks I’m some fucking _predatory gay_ or something and he’s gonna—”  
           “Daniel James Howell!” Louise hurriedly interrupts in a harsh, albeit still very loving, voice, “Dan, you can’t think like that! I’m so, so proud of you for taking that leap of faith in asking him out, and, well, listen, honey, if this guy is good enough to be able to make you this _incredibly_ happy person I’ve seen around these past few days, he’s not thinking any of those horrible things. And if he is thinking them, if he’s the kind of idiotic _asshat_ to think them, there is no way in _hell_ I would ever let you date him to begin with! So you had better slap a smile on that cute little face of yours and eat your lunch before it gets cold because God knows this food isn’t getting any better any time soon!”  
           Louise inhales deeply and Dan breathes out slowly before smiling. His entire face transforms and his shoulders drop.  
           “I need to get you a “World’s Best Friend” mug,” He leans his head on the determined blonde girl’s shoulder in gratitude. His smile doesn’t fade for a minute and he embraces the familiar feeling of his old friend. But when he remembers why he was so grateful for her in the first place, the smile drips off his face and he raises his heavy head.  
           “Should I just ask him why he wasn’t here or something?”  
           “Oh. I don’t know, man.” Pj’s face twists into one of worry, “I mean, you did just ask a potentially-straight guy out on a date and he never actually answered. I don’t exactly have a whole lot of knowledge in this area, not really, but I feel like that may come off a little… I don’t know.”  
           “Needy?” Dan asks with self-deprecating laugh, “Well, might as well! That ship sailed the first time I saw him through that goddamn window.”  
           “Oh, Dan!” Louise smiles kindly at him, her big eyes sympathetic, “What’s this guy’s name, anyway?”  
           “Phil.” Dan tries (and fails) to keep his voice in a non-totally-daydreaming-about-an-adorable-boy tone. But he just can’t help himself in the end.  
           “Wait, straight black hair? Strictly wears bright colors and nerdy graphic tees?” Peej leans forward across the table. He seemed excited and his hair flopped in front of his right eye.  
           “Yeah, that’s him! You know him?” Dan asks.  
           “Yeah we have World History together fourth. Not my type, but he’s always so sweet to everyone, even the assholes in the back. Actually, for a little while now, he’s been strangely happy whenever I see him,” Pj thinks for a moment and laughs happily when he realizes something, “Didn’t you said you two would talk during third?”  
           Louise leans into the center of the table, eager to be a part of the gossip. It isn’t often that something this juicy happens to their nerdy little group.  
           “You ever see him…” Dan picks at the cuticle on his thumb nervously, “Flirting with a girl or something?” Dan leans forward, mirroring Louise, and his heart rate picks up. He braces himself for the disappointing news he was sure he would receive.  
           “Hmm, now that you mention it, there was that one time—” Dan feels his heart sink and he sat back into his seat.  
            _Figures_.  
           “Oh, no. No, Dan, I’m sorry! I’m just kidding, man! No, I haven’t seen him flirting with anyone, actually. Though I don’t really talk to the guy all that much, so…”  
           Louise slaps Pj’s arm and Dan glares at him. Louise shakes her head lovingly and looks up at the sky and raises her arms in supplication. The boys can see her mouthing something at the ceiling. Dan raises an eyebrow.  
           “You know you love us,” Peej grinned at her and popped a bite into his mouth before leaning back himself and tucking into his lunch.  
           Dan and Louise share a quick look, the kind that only best friends can have, where they encompass an entire conversation into two seconds, before both shrugging in unison and eating as well.  
           But for all of his friends’ help, Dan couldn’t shake the feeling that something was horribly, horribly wrong. He felt vaguely sick to his stomach and, though he plastered on a fake smile for his friends, he felt like shit.  
            _I thought love was supposed to make you happy, not teary-eyed! Wait. Love?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/comments make me happier than a WikiHow illustrator drawing Dan!


	6. Obligatory Quiff Mention and Some Confusing Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philly, what're you doing to Dan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr's fun @moonroomsnuggles! By the way, I do recognize how incredibly fast Dan thinks he's in love. It's a high school au, part of the magic is in how new and crazy all of this is to him... and how many mood swings go with it... :) (2018 note: also, this was my first fic so... sorry. Hopefully I can fix this whole thing soon. It needs it)  
> Also, yesterday marked the Day of the Quiff, so of course I absolutely HAD to mention it at least a lil bit. I'm INCREDIBLY exhausted from irl responsibilities (eww), and please please please let me know of any typos or anything! I also had to let myself make it short, as otherwise I probably would've just written 2000 words of PHIL HAS A QUIFF over and over before getting about two hours of sleep. ANYWHO, enjoy, my sweets. Merry Quiff Day!

_Goddamnit, Dan._  
           Dan’s stomach roils as he takes short steps into the classroom the next day. He had run out of his world history classroom as fast as his long legs would take him, but now, faced with the prospect of actually going in and looking through that horribly infamous window, the soles of his, rather expensive, shoes feel burned into the garish blue carpet underneath. It has a large repeating pattern with another, lighter color of blue that looks less intentional and more “we brought too much dye! What do we do?” Dan hears annoyed, low grumbling from behind him and feels the pulsing mass of students press against his back. He almost topples forward, but saves himself just in time. Dan lets out a breath.  
           He takes one step in.  
            _Alright, listen. This isn’t that big of a deal! Just go in!_  
           Dan huffs out again. He takes one more step in. And then he walks with his head held high all the way into the desolate room. He vaguely recognizes the strange looks and poorly-disguised jabs and insults thrown at him as he places his bags deliberately onto his unforgiving desk. He sits, chest out proudly, trying to subtly disguise his thumping heart, which he is sure is visible as it pounds against his ribcage.  
            _Fucking high school._  
           Dan waits a moment.  
           Then one more.  
           Then maybe just one more after that.  
           And Dan waits until the class is underway, until he can almost forget what it is exactly he’s waiting for. Almost.  
           But, just like clockwork, the exact moment he pulls out his sleek little black computer from its sleek little black sleeve, his head turns on an axis to the side out of habit until Dan is looking straight at Phil. He blinks quickly to clear his eyes.  
           Dan takes a moment and just really _looks_ again. Before recently, he never really took anything in, instead opting to go through the motions and stay in his bubble. Before recently, he never really took the time to just sit and watch and absorb every tiny detail of something instead of the entire piece. Before recently, he would never have really noticed the small hair falling out of place. Or the eyelash that poked the wrong way. Or even the little cheek scruff that went unnoticed that morning. Let alone take the time to marvel at their beauty.  
           But now he does, because this boy has made him, has changed him. If it were anyone else, Dan would scoff at the horrible cliche, but Dan can’t find it in himself to be his usual skeptical self. He feels a sort of unfamiliar _truth_ inside of him now. So he looks. And besides, it would be a disservice to humanity itself to _not_ look at Phil today. His hair, normally swept to the side, is now pushed back in a stylish quiff fleeing North, baring his pale forehead for Dan to take in. Dan double takes and gawks at the change as soon as he notices.  
            _Holy… Does he even know what he’s doing to me? He has to. No one can look like that and not know they’re attractive, right?_  
           Dan shifts in his seat and rustles a pant leg. A dimple appears. But all of a sudden, everything comes crashing back down on Dan. The horrifying awkwardness of it all, and the overwhelming sadness and heartbreak, and the complete fear all flood his brain again and Dan mentally curses himself for looking.  
            _I never should’ve––No! No, this is Phil. It’s okay, just get his attention. He’ll explain it all away._  
           So Dan stares through the glass and tries to catch the other boy’s eye. Phil never looks over, instead sinking further down to scribble on his little green notebook furiously. Dan frowns and turns to his computer.  
            Hey! How’s everything?  
           Dan stabs his finger against the delete key furiously.  
           Hi, Phil, r u queer?  
           Dan glances behind him to make sure no one can see his screen and deletes quickly.  
           PHIL! WHY R U IGNORING MEE???  
            _Nope. Nope, nope, nope._  
           Dan highlights the passage and presses delete. He leans forward and rests his head on his hands.  
            _Y’know what?_  
            Hey!  
           Dan quickly presses **SEND**. The message whooshes off to another small niche of the internet, hopefully where Phil can see it, and Dan sends an evaluating look into the classroom across the way. Phil’s computer remains closed on his desk and his eyes glued to his journal. Dan glances at his teacher droning on and on and risks a tiny wave with a few fingers.  
           Predictably, Phil doesn’t notice and Dan resigns himself to wait (again) for when Phil will open his own sleek little computer and see Dan’s message. Dan settles back and waits for the class to finally end. He sneaks little glances through the window during boring parts (so really, all of it!), but Phil never once opens his computer.  
           Finally, however, at the end of class, Phil raises the top of his computer and quickly inputs his password. Dan sits up a little straighter and looks deliberately ahead, though he is still focused on  his black=haired boy in his peripheral.  
           Dan can see Phil skim over the message… before signing out. Without responding.  
            _This doesn’t happen. This just doesn’t happen._  
           The bell rings and Dan can see Phil look sadly into his own classroom as he exits.  
            _What the fuck is going on?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make me happier than Phil making the lesbians cum in their pants! Just one more chapter, guys! Get excited!!


	7. Dan Finds a Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, cuties! Check out my Tumblr! This is the final chapter of The Boy Beyond the Glass. I have a whole spiel in the end notes of things I just need to say, but for now, enjoy, my sweets!

He thought he was going to work on his essay during lunch. He brought his laptop and his copy of the book. But then he got there and he saw the expression on his friends’ faces. And what’s on the table.  
           There are a few loose sheets of paper lying on Dan’s lunch table, scribbled on all over in a fading blue pen. A cup of sweet coffee is placed beside them. Louise and Pj are sitting in silence, looking down at their trays. Louise is holding Dan’s hand under the table. Dan takes a deep breath and picks up the first sheet. It crinkles in his shaky hand.

 **Hey, Dan.**  
            **I guess I owe you an apology, huh? ~~It’s only that I. No. Later.~~ I’m not quite sure how to go about this, but just know that I’m sorry, Dan.**  
            **I like you. I do. I don’t know if that got lost in translation somewhere, but I really like you, Dan. More than I probably should. Let me just start at the beginning. So I told you what happened with my parents. Most of it, at least. I want to tell you the whole story now, if that’s okay. If you ~~absolutely hate me forever for making you feel bad~~ want to, you can crumple this up and never think of me again, but I’m just gonna write this and hope you’ll read through it.**  
            **So things were never really great with my family. Not by a long shot. My mom and dad got pregnant with Martyn accidentally during college. They got married after, even though they’d only been dating a few months at that point. My mom has kinda filled me in on this part over the course of a few years, though I’ve no clue if it’s true. I think so, at least. ~~I mean, wh~~ Anyway, they had me next. And that’s pretty much where it all went wrong.**  
            **My dad wanted my mom to stay at home with us. She did, unwillingly, and they resented each other for it. This is probably too much information, ~~but I just want. I don’t know.~~ That only got worse as Martyn and I grew up. They never really got along, and it brought him and me closer. Martyn, that is. Some of my best memories are lying in our bunk bed, looking through the window. Anyway, all of this kinda just exploded recently. Before, there wasn’t exactly a whole lot of talking about feelings, I guess. ~~Huh. And here I am now.~~ Anyway, so I sat down with my parents a couple months ago to try to clear the air, I guess. And I probably didn’t go about it the way I should’ve.**  
            **There was a lot of yelling, mostly from my dad. And we all just sat there and waited for him to calm down. But he just got mean. Before then, he’d never actually said anything bad to us or anything like that. ~~But.~~ I mentioned how closed-minded he is. Yeah. So his rant against our family kinda turned into a rant against other subjects. I guess all of it had been festering and building up for so long that he just. Burst? So he used some words that just weren’t okay. And my mom said something. And he said something back.**  
            **And then he accused me of something, something that he thought was the absolute worst thing a person could ever be. Just out of anger. ~~He had no clue.~~ But then I didn’t deny it. And he went silent. And still. And told me that I had to leave and not come back. He wouldn’t have a _you know_ for a son. I can’t even say the word. ~~God.~~ So I did. I grabbed my wallet and phone and walked out the door, but Martyn went with me. And my mom too.**  
            **So here I was, moving away from all of that mess, in a new town and a new school. And I find myself talking to a boy, and I’m loving it! I’m loving spending time with him, and chatting during class, and I’m loving feeling my pounding heart grow whenever he looks at me. And then, one day, out of the blue, he asks if I want to go with him to coffee. And I want so desperately to say yes. But there’s still a teensy tiny little part of me that doesn’t want to. That screams at me, day and night, that it’s wrong. That I can’t. ~~That I can never be happy, because it’s wrong. Wrong.~~**  
            **So I don’t respond. And I see him wilt. And it makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. But at the same time, that little voice is still there, telling me that this is the way it should be. That I was right to not say yes. And yet he makes me so happy. So I don’t know what to do. And I look away, and I pretend not to care, pretend not to see how upset he is and how much it hurts me. And God it hurts me. Here’s this wonderful, amazing boy, ~~this boy whom I could see myself loving,~~ and I’m breaking his heart––and worse, I do it without an explanation or even a firm denial.**  
            **All of this is to say, Dan, that I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry. The small act of just not doing anything spiraled into this enormous thing, and I wish to God I could take it back. ~~I wish I could take it all back.~~ I guess that’s what I’m doing with this.**  
            **So, Dan, I know I screwed up. I know. And I’m not trying to use my family or like internalized homophobia or something as an excuse, but I’ll do anything to have that coffee. This whole mess has helped me realize so much stuff about myself, and I know I’m better off for it. I think I can try to be happy now. And I know that it’s a lot for you, I’m sure. And I know that I’m just venting all of my issues to you, but I want you to know me. Really know me, including my screwed up past. So, there we go.**  
            **Daniel Howell, I really like you. And I’m an ~~idiot~~ asshole. So maybe would you consider going for a cup of coffee with me?**

“So,” Dan hears a voice from behind him and he looks up and to the right. Phil is standing there, eyes trained to the floor and hands clasped together, “Do you want help with that English paper?”  
           “What?” Dan’s voice comes out broken. He clears his throat, “What?”  
           “You’re reading _The Catcher in the Rye _, right? I finished my paper already. I can help you, if––if you’d like,” Phil’s eyes dart around the expansive room, looking anywhere but into Dan’s.__  
           Dan says nothing and waits for Phil to look at him. They finally lock eyes and Dan smiles softly, “Yeah, Phil. I’d really like that.”  
           Phil smiles. He melts with apparent relief and grabs a chair, pulling it from a nearby table. He drums on the top of it quickly.  
           “You’re paying, you spork,” Dan smiles at the expression on Phil’s face.  
           “Huh?” Phil questions.  
           “You’re paying for my coffee. You’re not getting off that easy,” Dan’s dimple makes an appearance as he looks at Phil. He hears Louise giggle beside him, but doesn’t look away.  
           “I,” Phil starts, but fades off quickly, looking at Dan.  
           “What?” He asks.  
           Phil just smiles and looks at him with wonder for a beat before clearing his throat.  
           “I just r... What’s the prompt?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so funny when you realize that just a few seconds have changed your life. There's a story there that I won't get into now, but suffice it to say that I really believe that if you love something, you need to enjoy it without shame. Saying sorry won't get you anywhere, and if you're ashamed of something you like, something that brings you happiness, there will always be just this thin black veil hiding so many of the aspects that make the thing something that can bring you happiness in the first place. This is just my experience, but there's kinda been a gradual shift since I've stopped trying to say sorry for being myself. I've found myself just being more at peace with myself, and this is something that's been completely missing in my life for as long as I can remember. I know it sounds completely common-sense or just plain idiotic, or maybe incredibly difficult, like it is for me still, but just the simple act of biting my tongue when I go to apologize has helped me grow as a person in tremendous ways. The things you struggle to accept in yourself are valid, *and your feelings about them are valid, too.* I know no one asked for this long rant from me, but I just needed to put this out there. Much love, Rosie.
> 
> Anyway, kudos and comments make me happier than a see-through Dan (ok, but please can I be rich enough to spend that much money on a raincoat? i mean, WOW.)


End file.
